I create as a way to navigate my life's journey. This is my personal and spiritual practice. In fact, all this other "living business" filters through my creativity. Each time I find myself at the art-table, I am gazing into a mirror. I trust it...deeply. I trust it to show me the way, to reveal the higher road or to knock me down when surrender is a really good option.
Creating helps me:
reflect, investigate, map, assess, release, reconnect, commune, heal.
Some day soon I hope to share more about my journey as an energy practitioner. There is a simple explanation as to why I am open to this way of walking in this world; this open communication to these energetic multi-realms. It was an initiation that didn't look like one and to tell you the truth, there are many that continue to present themselves as doorways in which I must step through. The simple explanation is: trauma broke me open and the need to survive became my lessons. I became hypersensitive; a sensing soul to all those subtle energies, that eventually became my guides. My soul was cast and over the years I've been shamanic-ally pulling back the layers revealing the tightly knitted web that gently houses my essence. It's the part of me, and the part in you that is untouched, sacred, holy, pure, eternal. Art making is a way home to this. A way back, centered into this realization.
The image below is a captured moment of my creative process. I call this the crap-painting stage. I say it with a frustrated tone as well. I call it this because when I am face-to-face with the things I perceive to be awful, ugly, dark, shadowy (within myself) it manifests onto the canvas. I am not saying this is "THE" process for everyone, I am just sharing my process here.
How can I say there are these damaged parts and pieces of myself, you might be thinking.
And, I'm responding with yes, of course there are these unmet pieces of me, sometimes hidden in the shadows.
Most of the time, I don't even have a clue what they might be because I'm too busy projecting them. And, I haven't met anyone who doesn't do this (jus-sayin). This is just one way to notice them and bring some conscious light to them. I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing, unless you are not willing to look at your part in it. Which, again, isn't easy. I know...I know.
This is a stage in art-making or life-making that is formless, unknown, in between. It's the grit and grind before the smooth and shine. This place always feels challenging. I have no control and I feel so powerless. I don't know what to make of it. I'd rather throw it out and start over. I want to quit and deem myself a sucky-artist. Never having to take responsibility for my own expansion again.
Ever experience this?
Well, dear tender-heart...please stay with me here,
What's happening here is: I've forgotten to see the beauty in the cycle or in my creative process. My vision became blurred by the illusion of perfection, And perfection cuts us from many different angles, For example: the false illusion to a permanent happiness or worse, a great fear that we won't be accepted, loved or seen.
This is some huge, deep work. I know this, because this is my current work. But, there is hopeful movement making its way through. It's all such a journey to be taken in and held with reverence and grace. Hold that so-called "ugly" art with compassion because it's just the early stages of becoming or emerging.
Just like you.
On the first day of the year I woke up with an insatiable tug at my heart. Everything up until this day felt old, worn, just-not-working-anymore. All my so called "knowing", lessons learned, training and accomplishments just peered out of the mirror and had a great hearty laugh.
This shook me.
I felt defensive. I felt as if I knew absolutely nothing. I was being challenged and really, what I wanted more than anything was to ignore it. I decided I wouldn't tell anyone. I kept avoiding it and convinced myself that it wasn't important.
But one morning, I woke up and wondered if I would attempt to try and cross that creaky bridge? Wouldn't this just go away?
I had been working at making myself someone who had been "correctly trained" or certified by a guru that I didn't even know of nor could locate.
All this to try and find a name for myself. I still wasn't able to pay the "big guys" in my field to certify me anyway. I questioned if I even believed in this.
Sadly, in reality I wrote myself out.
I somehow adopted the belief that I wasn't worth much. Nothing at all without someone in an assumed position granting me some sort of validation.
I felt I needed permission, recognition, approval or somehow be okay'd into the system.
This feels very much like the last few traces of institutionalization that I am shedding. It tells me that I don't think highly of myself. It tells me that I don't value myself. The big question: "am I enough" echoes through the quiet hallway of my soul.
I would never lead anyone to believe this! This is crazy-talk!
Now, I'm going to get real with you here...time for some #realtalk.
As much as I'd rather not even share this, I've realized the hunt for approval is still a not so healed wound in my life.
This is the kind of #realtalk I am committed to and this is why I decided one brisk January morning to claim 2016 as #myyearofgentlerevival.
There is much to look at here, much to sift through, this is why I am also choosing to go gentle.
Gentle Revival: allowing the soul to rise, be in it's most authentic and original form. All knowing intact. All wisdom collected. Noticing all the beauty. Gently reminding the pulse to find it's rhythm and wake up. Awaken to the life that is already full of meaning.
Awareness is continually re-birthing. We do some plowing through the thick and slog our way through the mud until we reach the crystal clarity.
This is intense work...agree?
When I set up to play with paint, I plan nothing. I go around rummaging through my trays and bins pulling things that say, YES, pick me! I might even try every medium I've gathered at the work table before I feel satisfied. Thank goodness for this open and free form of expression. It is a personal process of catharsis for me. It is a space were I allow a flow instead of a bucking the current. There is also a freedom in knowing that it doesn't have to look like, or be anything that is considered "good-art" by societal standards.
I proudly splash paint, glue things down and watch each layer give meaning to my experience. It's this process that brings me to new ideas; new ways of being.
Afterwards, messages or clues may appear in the painting. I may see a shape, image, etc. or I may get a string of words...sometimes poetry rushes in. In some cases, the process alone gives important and valuable information. This art-making is worth more than becoming a recognizable picture. This may lead to some deep soul work. Sometimes, I don't willingly go there. I get there by thrashing my way in with a painting I may not like at first. I have to persevere through this stage. Over time as I reflect on my messy art-work, it begins to grow on me and then I see it's medicine.
My wish for you...
Dear creative soul, dear heartful artist that enjoys watching the build up of paint on your hands...please paint for your own healing journey. I wish for you messy creative acts of blending colors and squiggling lines into whatever shape you are guided to express. Remember you are meant to express in your unique way, in whatever way. Give your new ways life. This is for you. Just paint...go.
Blissed and beyond thrilled to be a part of an AHmazing workshop with 30+ other incredible women and created by the brilliant and magic gathering Hali Karla, holistc artist and healer. In her words, she describes this journey as...
A Visual Journaling Experience celebrating your Art~Body~Nature! Spectrum is a collective of 30+ holistic-minded artists, healers and visionaries that have come together to offer a 10 month online workshop
in which you will create a visual field guide devoted to awakening, exploring, deepening & celebrating the innate wisdom within YOU.
This journey is about connecting with:
BODY as guide and ally,
ART as intuitive, expressive oracle,
and NATURE as provider of love, lesson, abundance and belonging.
Spectrum is for any woman interested in enhancing intuition, strengthening courage, celebrating wholeness & diversity, widening perspective, developing deeper relationships, and who wants to offer her own gifts to the world, guided by personal awareness and creative living...
oh, and that's not afraid to get her hands in and play!
In Spectrum, we aren't just making some nice art journal pages, we are creating an intentional, exploratory Field Guide to the holistic experience of YOUR ART~BODY~SPIRIT~NATURE! It is going to be so much fun seeing how members of the Spectrum community integrate the different elements into their own creative expression!
Stay tuned - over the next several weeks, we will be teasing you with details about each of the exciting workshop offerings from the Spectrum 2014 Collective (read more about the contributors below)!
Some important and juicy details:
Spectrum begins on March 1, 2014!
EARLY~BIRD SALE HAPPENING NOW! $99
(I am an affiliate so, click on image to the left to reserve your space! )
For more information, go over to Hali Karla's webspace
and read up on all the yumminess Spectrum is offering!
It's like the window you left open as it rained.
It became a portal for wild things to drift in
and splashes of color to messy your hands with.
Over and over, smearing and breaking open cracks of new space.
It becomes your story, the unfinished one.
The one that longs to be retold...
right by the fireside of your heart flame.
It becomes your practice and you return to it...
Over and over, splashing and whirling new paths towards unnamed destinations.
It frees you.
And holds you in darkness. Asking you to sing your dream to find the way home.
One by one, the steps appear and the flashing light,
gives life to your truth.
And the colors that rise up...
Over and over, stream in with heavy sweepers that clear a way back into the deepest you.
Welcome to my Virtual Journal. Here you will find #fieldnotes of a Medial Woman. I write unabashedly imperfect, mostly short, even one-line word play. I share story. I share- first, my process. I view my life-living as a grand experiment and I am taking notes, mapping a trail with moments, stories and synchronicities.
I write about...