On the first day of the year I woke up with an insatiable tug at my heart. Everything up until this day felt old, worn, just-not-working-anymore. All my so called "knowing", lessons learned, training and accomplishments just peered out of the mirror and had a great hearty laugh.
This shook me.
I felt defensive. I felt as if I knew absolutely nothing. I was being challenged and really, what I wanted more than anything was to ignore it. I decided I wouldn't tell anyone. I kept avoiding it and convinced myself that it wasn't important.
But one morning, I woke up and wondered if I would attempt to try and cross that creaky bridge? Wouldn't this just go away?
I had been working at making myself someone who had been "correctly trained" or certified by a guru that I didn't even know of nor could locate.
All this to try and find a name for myself. I still wasn't able to pay the "big guys" in my field to certify me anyway. I questioned if I even believed in this.
Sadly, in reality I wrote myself out.
I somehow adopted the belief that I wasn't worth much. Nothing at all without someone in an assumed position granting me some sort of validation.
I felt I needed permission, recognition, approval or somehow be okay'd into the system.
This feels very much like the last few traces of institutionalization that I am shedding. It tells me that I don't think highly of myself. It tells me that I don't value myself. The big question: "am I enough" echoes through the quiet hallway of my soul.
I would never lead anyone to believe this! This is crazy-talk!
Now, I'm going to get real with you here...time for some #realtalk.
As much as I'd rather not even share this, I've realized the hunt for approval is still a not so healed wound in my life.
This is the kind of #realtalk I am committed to and this is why I decided one brisk January morning to claim 2016 as #myyearofgentlerevival.
There is much to look at here, much to sift through, this is why I am also choosing to go gentle.
Gentle Revival: allowing the soul to rise, be in it's most authentic and original form. All knowing intact. All wisdom collected. Noticing all the beauty. Gently reminding the pulse to find it's rhythm and wake up. Awaken to the life that is already full of meaning.