This is the process that unveils right before my new wakened moment. I write tonight, because friends began to worry about my somewhat last two "sorrowful" posts. Beloveds, please know I am doing just fine. The over-culture has taught so many of us that sadness is "bad". Lots of us take on the colder, wintery months as if we are going to the dentist to have two root canals in one sitting: anxiety and stress. We tend to over-work and strain our bodies, minds and emotions for the sake of the holidays and to try and keep it all together on the outside. Maybe the "holiday-thing" can distract us from experiencing the pain, despair and loneliness, but what if it is longing to be heard, expressed and witnessed. Perhaps it needs a hug too. Heartache is heartache and feeling it is not fun, but I think it's necessary to allow the feelings for there is healing in this too. At least, this is what I have been working with lately, I've been feeling it all lately. It's been hard and honestly, I have been so sad, yet I have also challenged myself to sit in it without trying to change or fix it. It just "is" and I'll leave it at that because I sense something bigger is going on. In time it might be something that shapes, makes, and carves me.
Only to observe...
One rainy day, as I patiently sat in the parking lot of my favorite cafe for a coffee date with a dear friend, I began to experience a wave of an overwhelming sense of deep sadness. Although, I had an idea of what it might be I was unsure because I had distanced myself from the pain. As I allowed the pain to surface, I realized that I was "grieving" the loss of a dear friendship that shifted suddenly. No fault, no bad-guy, just an abrupt end with a beginning to new open space...different space. Unfamiliar, but it might be in need of newness, it might have been yearning for a breath of air. I sat there running all types of quick solutions in my mind to rid the ache: go sit in the cafe and order a coffee and sugary sweet. Maybe, go browse the nearby shops. Maybe, lose my thoughts with some social media distraction, etc. Instead, I sat there and allowed the sadness without judging or formulating, only observing.
When there are no words
Nature gives us the gift of reflection during the wintery months. She asks us to go within and experience our human-ness a bit. As I allow myself to go deeper, I realize that at the core...there is an eternal flame that is pointing me home and reassuring me that there is balance to look forward to. Even though it sometimes is agonizing- sadness is okay when felt with awareness and a soul knowing that impermanence is wisdom. As I travel into the winter season of my soul, the piercing cold stings...reminds...pricks life right back into my body and asks to be sat with and be seen. I honor the dark. I honor grief. I honor the silence in a room full of people. I will embrace the discomfort when there are no words because I understand the germination phase of our life-filled growing seeds that are nestled in the deep dark while their rebirth is drawing near.
"It's okay, love...come sit with me and together let's gaze into the reassuring sky and take in all it's definite glimmering starlight. Come, let's do that for a bit. We're going to be okay"